I was up a lot last night. Insomnia again. My mind cycling through the tiring thoughts I wish so desperately to be free from. It began with thoughts of the people God has placed in my life. Remembering I take myself back………….

I feel the burden of a friend who just checked into a battered woman’s shelter. I shiver at the thought. Tears well up in my eyes as the familiar anxiety starts to rise to the surface. My heart pounding like it will leap from my chest. I throw off the covers as my cold sweat breaks out.

What is my problem?

I’m not the one who checked into a shelter today.  But I’m bothered. My mind won’t let me forget. It wasn’t that long ago when I too was a victim of domestic violence.  The realization sets in, my wounds aren’t as healed as they appear.

I admire my friend for her strength and courage. I wasn’t strong enough to go to the shelter. The last time it happened I found myself walking circles in a snowstorm, crying in a state of confusion.

What will happen of me if I go to a battered woman’s shelter? What of my children? Will they be taken away from me? My core fear of abandonment rears it’s ugly head. I couldn’t take losing my children. NO! I won’t go! I can’t take another loss. I cried out to God.

HELP, MERCY……the holy spirit intercedes with groans, my words are gone.

Oh THANK YOU, THANK YOU LORD, thank you for the holy spirit who intercedes for me!

Counseling has been a permanent fixture on my calendar. It’s a lot of work, and I resent that at times.  I know I won’t likely heal without it. So I go, like physical therapy for a person whose been injured physically. But it’s hard. It’s discipline. I don’t like it. I have to do it anyway.

My mind changes directions and I start to obsess about other people in my life. It’s a roller coaster. I’m strapped in and I can’t get off. I pray for my friend at the shelter and all of the other people that God has placed on my heart.

God is faithful. I know this. I find satisfaction in sending my prayers up to him. He’ll know what to do. He’ll know how to fix it. He’ll know when. He’ll know.

Ahhhhh, I start to feel better. God’s got it. I start to drift off to sleep on my couch and I awaken with more fears. God and I have finally honed in on me, and my specific problems.

I find myself trying to sort through all the details of some coming travels. I’m going to the Christian Alliance for Orphans conference. My husband was going to take off work and now he’s not. I need to find someone to take care of my kids.

Who can take care of my kids better than me? What was I thinking when I signed up for this? I can’t leave my kids.

God assures me it will be fine. But I refuse to believe the God of the universe. He hasn’t given me the details I crave. I want peace but I am not ready to take the leap of faith that promises peace. I demand proof!

Who will take care of my kids? Who? What will the details of their day be like when I’m gone? What will they eat? What if they’re ignored when they have a need? Who will cuddle them? Will they resent me for leaving them?  The questions go on and on.

Overwhelmed I continue on with my worries. And another thing God, what about my pets while I’m gone? Questions similar to concerns of my children swirl around in my head.

My body just can’t sit still at this point.  I have to get up and pace. I discover my anxiety had turned into anger. I turn my thoughts to myself. 

What of me Lord? Have you forgotten my neediness? How will I ever be able to function without my children, my pets…..my comforts of my cocoon.

I confess, I’ve spent countless hours trying to figure out how I could take my dog with me anywhere in public. I’m not deaf or blind. I’ve looked into making her a therapy dog, but the truth is I don’t really want to spend my time in hospitals. I just want to take her everywhere with me for my own selfish reasons.

Bella (my dog)  sooths my anxiety that has been a companion since childhood. I actually did find out that I could take her in public for my “disability” which is my anxiety. According to the law I don’t think I have to tell anyone the nature of my disability.  I just have to tell them what she is trained to do.

But I’ve never been brave enough to put myself under that spot light. What if I slip up and accidentally tell someone I’m afraid….. A LOT!

What has my dog Bella been trained to do?

Oh, she licks my tears. She nuzzles me with her head when I start to hold my breath every time the anxiety rises. Yay, that’s not going to happen. I’m not going to that vulnerable place. Openly tell the world I’m riddled with anxiety. NO THANKS!

Then I find myself here, this morning. I’m tired and emotional from being awake so much of the night. I probably won’t tell anyone. I’ll hide it as much is possible. But what of this post? Do I dare post this on my blog?

I hear God’s still small voice.

Post it, Alison.

Again, my mind starts to reel. Do you know what you are saying God? Someone, even one person could read my blog. What if it’s one of those mockers? I don’t like the mockers.

I’ll keep you safe, He gently replies.

I ponder this, yes God will keep me safe.

I feel a flutter of hope.

Maybe the one person who reads this will find comfort because they’ll learn they’re not alone? What if that one person discovers God will be there for them too? And that he blesses his children with the desires of their hearts…..like children and pets and a warm home in a nice neighborhood, a family, a church home?

What if I don’t post? What of the day when God holds me accountable for this day? The day he gently said, Post it, Alison.

I think of myself standing before God, trying in vain to come up with an excuse for my disobedience. I remember….

my grace is sufficient, my power is made perfect in your weakness…

Here I go…..I’m posting:)

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  2 Corinthians 12:9 (New International Version)