Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Isaiah 40:1

When I went to Georgia for the Run for God 5K I walked into the hotel to check in and the lobby was filled with men.  Some were standing around talking, others were watching the T.V.  I saw a lot of their bags had bats sticking out and I realized they were a traveling team, but because I get nervous around men I ran straight out of the lobby and into the bathroom to calm myself down.

When I got my wits about me I made a b-line to the front desk. While I was checking into the hotel I asked the man behind the counter what those  men were doing there and what team they were from. He told me that they were the wounded warrior veterans and they were there to play a softball game. I turned around and for the first time I realized that every one of them was an amputee in one way or another. Some were missing legs, some were missing arms, some were missing fingers or an eye. All of them were wounded warrior veterans.

My kids and I went up to our room and that’s when I started to think about the fact that one of those warriors might not know Jesus. I wondered if any of them knew Jesus as Savior and LORD.  I suspected that at least a few of them did.

I had no idea where they were in the hotel so I prayed about it and went to sleep. At 2 o’clock in the morning my dog started whining to go out.

I stepped out of my room and headed and towards the elevator.  Down the hallway I noticed a woman sitting on the floor with her back up against the wall. Her legs were stretched across my path and as Henrietta and I approached she looked up at me. It turned out that she was traveling and working working with the USA Patriots Softball Team that I had seen when I was checking in.  She said that my kids and I could get a picture with the team and to meet them in the lobby the next morning.

When the time came for us to meet the team we got down to the lobby a little bit early.  I’m glad because it gave me the opportunity to talk with Ben Mitchel.  He is one of the team members for the USA Patriots.

We talked about faith and Jesus and I remember the calming effect he had on me.   Ben is a straight shooter. This was demonstrated to me when I asked him, “When did you get to know Jesus as LORD and Savior?”

He looked directly at me and said, “When the shit got real!”

And that was something I could relate to. At the end of the day, when my life fell apart, all I really wanted to know was…Can Jesus help me?

Is Jesus really a Savior who saves? 

I gave Ben some invitation Bibles to give to anyone on the team who wanted one.  It felt like one of those God aligned appointments and I will forever be grateful.

When most of the team came down we took a group picture and then while they were together I asked if they would be willing to let me tell them a bit of my testimony. I took the opportunity to tell them how much I appreciated them and the sacrifice that they made for this country.  I don’t remember verbatim what I said but I packed as much as I could muster into those precious moments.

I shared with them that I had lost my mother to breast cancer when I was only nine years old and how I had grown up in a children’s home after that.  I shared with them how someone once told me  that when you lose a parent it’s like losing a limb because you’re living the rest of your life without something that you’re supposed to have.

I truly do not mean that in an offensive way as it’s clearly not the same trauma as losing a limb.  It’s merely the way someone once tried to validate the horrific loss I experienced when my mom died.

I told the warriors how I had once been married to a veteran and how that experience taught me that not all wounds are visible.  We don’t always know what someone is battling.  My ex-husband also left me with the knowledge that so many veterans who have served in the USA military don’t feel appreciated at all for the sacrifices they have made for our country. Truly, huge sacrifices are made by every single person who enlists in the armed forces.  These sacrifices are a family affair that affect generations to come. No one gets out unscathed and these men and women who serve our nation need our deep respect and appreciation.

I told the men about the abortions that  I had when I was a teenager,  my divorces and how I had been reduced to working as a stripper. I told them about the devastating impact my ex-husband(s) had on me and my kids.

After my second husband left, I lost my house, my hope and my dignity.  My life was utterly destroyed! I told them about Jesus who pulled me out of that wreckage and to this very day Jesus is still healing me from the trauma of that season.

When Jesus came to me I was at the end of myself and suicidal.  Harm had been done to me and I had hurt people. I didn’t have a place to live or a job or any money.  I was over $64,000 in debt which would’ve taken a lifetime for me to pay off.

I also shared with the group how my dad had committed suicide while I was on my honeymoon.  That is such a deep wound that I rarely talk about it.

I told the team as much as I could possibly tell them in the short amount of time that I had.  I shared as much of my testimony as I could think of on the spot and I told him how Jesus had saved me.

I asked if any of them knew Jesus and many hands went up.  I promised to stick around afterwards if anyone wanted to ask me any questions about or hear more about my faith.  Then I told them that I’d left some Bibles with Ben if anybody wanted one and suggested he would also be a good person to  have an authentic conversation about life and faith with.

Afterwords these men each came up and hugged me one after another. When I was driving home from that trip I remember the distinct thought that God had tricked me into letting men hug me. Because honestly, I find men to be very scary.  The most interesting thing was that I do not recall experiencing one bit of stress when they each hugged me.

My kids and I with the USA PATRIOTS:America’s Amputee Softball Team

USA Patriots

The Patriots invited us to go to see one of their softball games. They were raising money and awareness about veterans suicide. At the game I learned about a valuable organization that is fighting the war against veteran suicide.

Mission22:

Mission22 is United in the War Against Veteran Suicide and provides treatment programs for veterans.  They Provide community and education for both veterans and civilians. They build memorials to honor those who  are lost at home and create mass awareness through social sharing.

If you are encouraging someone to join the military then DON’T SKIP OVER THIS WARNING!

**DON’T FORGET TO WARN POTENTIAL RECRUITS ABOUT THE HIGH LEVEL OF VETERANS WHO BECOME SUICIDAL. Each person needs to truly take this to heart BEFORE signing up to serve!!!!!

I’m not a veteran but I once struggled with depression so deep I wanted to die. When my second husband left me I hit rock bottom. I was calling the suicide hotline three to four times a night. I couldn’t sleep which made things worse. That was in May of 2000 and that was the summer I got saved.

Jesus came to me and loved me! He rescued me out of the depths of despair. He provided an apartment for me and my kids. He gave us new clothes and dishes and put food in our mouths. He moved on peoples hearts to help us. He worked miracles for me.

I didn’t earn it. I had nothing to offer except admitting that I was totally broken. I told God that I had made a mess of my life and that I couldn’t fix it. I told him that I needed him to be God and fix it.

I wasn’t nice about it either. I felt God had screwed me over by allowing my mom to die, and by letting me be given away by my wealthy family only to be raised in a children’s home.

I blamed God for the abuse I incurred in my marriages. I blamed God for everything. I’m not proud of that, but I will say that He never once punished me for it. The Lord knew a broken girl.

Jesus is a Savior who saves! He’s the good shepherd! The Good shepherd doesn’t beat the sheep who’ve gone astray. He tenderly cares for them.

God’s word says,

They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. Revelation 12:11

There is a very real thing called victim shaming.  Shame is like the most disgusting kind of greasy oil. That kind of grime gets in you.

When I worked in construction my hands were never clean.  My hands would come into contact with things that left me dirty. There’s no soap in the world that can wash some of that stuff out. Even when I washed and scrubbed my hands and I knew I was clean, I still looked dirty because I was dirty. The grime was in every crevice of my skin.

Shame is like that, it just makes you feel dirty.

The Good News is this, There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Jesus took shame to the cross.

Do you feel shame? Let’s get that filth off of you.  Let’s place blame appropriately.  Abuse is never the victims fault!  If someone hurt you and wounded your soul then the shame needs to be transferred to the perpetrator. If you are the perpetrator then this blog post might very well be God’s mercy coming straight for you.

I’m not an expert here.  I’m simply a person who has been wounded by life and sin.  God’s word says that He binds up the broken-hearted and I believe it.  God does not want us to feel ashamed about our testimonies. I am not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

If you were abused, it’s not your fault! I tell myself that regularly.

If you are the person who abused someone else, Jesus wants to redeem your life too! The ground is level at the foot of the cross!

Jesus forgives sin and he took our punishment and it is by His stripes that we are healed.

I know the kind of gaslighting that can be thrown onto you when someone doesn’t want to own what they did.  They’ll tell you that you’re crazy.  They’ll tell everyone that you’re crazy.  You might even feel crazy.  I know I did. But I know I’m not crazy!

Whose fault is abuse?

Abuse is NEVER the victims fault!

NO!

On this journey I’ve been lowered down to collecting my food from food pantries. I’ve been told to go on welfare and I have lived on welfare.

I’ve been cheated on, lied to and stolen from. I’ve had my heart broken because the man I was with preferred porn, strippers and prostitutes.

At one point one of my husbands lied to me about where he was working and about how much money he had made on the job. He came home and told me that he had a surprise for me. He told me to close my eyes.

I stood there with my eyes closed in my kitchen expectantly waiting and wondering what he had for me. What I didn’t expect was a sharp slap across my face.

I recoiled back putting a hand to my cheek and he threw a bunch of cash in my face. Through  tears, heartache and anger I asked,

“What was that for and where did all of this money come from!?”

“That was a bitch slap baby!” He said with a smile.

For those of you who don’t know a Bitch slap is: A stinging blow meant to humiliate.

Yes I forgave him but…He didn’t even say he was sorry!!!

Don’t burden the victim by asking…”Are YOU going to forgive him?”

”If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.“
‭‭Romans‬ ‭10‬:‭9‬ ‭

“Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
Romans‬ ‭10‬:‭13‬ Romans10:13

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

I am currently going through a huge trial. Right now our home does not have a kitchen. In the grand scheme of things it most certainly could be so much worse. But it just so happens to be coinciding with the part of my testimony where I’m trying to process being abandoned by my second husband and the devastating impact that had on me.

In February I went to Mississippi for the Mississippi River Marathon and like always God showed up. He aligned mine and my kids dinner the night before with very specific people.

As we went around the table sharing names I found myself saying, “Wow that’s my oldest daughters name.” Then the next person introduced herself and I said, “You have the same name as my sister-in-law.”

The next person to talk was a woman dressed in purple named Alison. We marveled that we both love purple, spell our names with one L and we’re there for Run for God.

Next all eyes turned to the man next to her. He said, “I’m Alison’s husband, my name is Dave.”

“Dave. That’s my ex-husband’s name.” I said flatly.

He went on to tell us that yes his name is Dave and that he speaks for all of the Daves. He said, he was here to ruin everyone’s lives.

I was stunned and as tears welled up in my eyes I said, “Why didn’t you just say you were sorry?”

And Dave said, “I’m sorry.”

To which I responded, “I forgive you.”

I have been crying out to God for resolution on all of the hurt and trauma from my second marriage. What I am learning is that God is able to heal my broken heart and help me resolve things whether people show up or not.

During the marathon God caused my watch alarm to beep at 5:16 as I ran over the Mississippi River. I hadn’t set my alarm and when I saw the time it reminded me of my daughter who was born on 5/16 and when she was in kindergarten she wrote Mississippi into her name on the top of every sheet of paper.

Right before the marathon I found a medical report of my Mom’s from the year before she died. I had never seen it before but it was from a doctor she visited in Mississippi. The report gave all of the details about her inflammatory  breast cancer.

I have been giving my testimony to my family for a very long time. For the Mississippi River marathon instead of the Run for God shirt I opted to get a shirt made which demonstrates a beginning and an end to me agonizing about the salvation of my family.

 

 

I had shirts like this made when my family was supposed to go run  the Honolulu marathon with me on 12/8/2013. But everyone dropped out. I ended up going by myself and ultimately giving my testimony for all these years. We are designed to finish things and I need to let go of all of this so I can move into the new thing full of life and ministry God has for me now.

This is my third marriage and quite frankly, it has been a very painful experience. I got saved, got remarried and started a new life. I never expected to be in the bind I’m in right now. I cannot share everything at this point but God always reveals the truth.

I have had to fight for survival and integrity and truth. I’ve watched my husband experience breakdowns and because of our situation he has said and done some very hurtful things.

While I don’t see myself as a victim, I DON’T like what I am going through. I have been faced with a lot of really bad options. No matter what I choose it’s going to hurt. This season has left me feeling lost and broken.

I admit that I am intrigued that God has called me to preach the Good News and I am learning that I must preach the gospel to myself everyday. Because it is the most confusing thing ever to KNOW that Jesus saves and yet be going through something very painful.

I made a short video so you can see a glimpse of where I’m at. I didn’t rehearse it. I’m not trying to be clever. I’m striving to be content with telling the truth. I feel like I have had everything thrown at me except for the kitchen sink.

Please pray for me and if you are able to donate to my ministry here is the link for that. Donate

Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

Suicide Prevention Line:

1-800-273-8255