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When I was nine years old my mom died from breast cancer. The world I knew was blown away like a tornado ravaged city.

I spent seven years in a children’s home. No one tucked me in at night. Gone were hugs & kisses that proved my worth. During those years I came to know God as my Father. Physically I was well cared for but my heart was grieved.

When I was 17 I graduated from high school and set out into the world. Tucked inside my heart I had wisdom that my mother left with me before she died.

“Alison, Love God with all your heart and soul. Don’t have sex before you are married and when you get married stay married forever.”

I did not heed my mothers wisdom. I had sex before I was married which resulted in two abortions. I’ve been married three times and divorced twice. The one thing that I did get right was that I loved God. I loved my Lord then, and I love my Lord now.

This journey has not been easy. My faith has been tested and I have failed more times than I can count. But God is ever so merciful. Time and again he has forgiven my sin, washed me clean and set me straight.

A few years ago I found myself in a counselors office. She asked what brought me in. I explained to her about what I then called my “abandonment issues” and then I dropped my list of confessions in her lap.

• My Mom died of cancer when I was nine
• My Dad shot himself in the head
• I’ve been divorced twice
• I’ve had two abortions
• I worked as a stripper
• My 2nd husband left me one morning. He drove to California instead of work
• We lost our house after my that
• I can’t control my husband or teenagers
• I’m here now because I’m totally broken.

I discovered that I had not properly grieved any of the loss I had experienced. I spent the entire summer paying good money to sit and cry. Then one day the counsellor asked me if I knew why I was on this earth to begin with.

I discovered I did not know my life purpose.

Where there is no revelation, people cast off restraint;but blessed is the one who heeds wisdom’s instruction. Proverbs 29:18 (NIV)

The Voice (VOICE) version of the bible puts it like this…

 Where there is no vision from God, the people run wild, but those who adhere to God’s instruction know genuine happiness. Proverbs 29:18

I journaled and prayed, pouring out my heart to God and asking him for his wisdom. Then one day I walked into therapy with an over sized bag. The counsellor looked at me and asked, “What’s that?”

I dropped down into her over sized couch and stated, “these are my journals, I have been writing them since I was a little girl. I want to write a book!”

 

Upon review of my journals I had discovered one particular page that jumped out at me.

My journals were filled with laments up to God. It seemed to me that if I were to share my testimony…..well I believed it could help to heal other broken hearts.

This was a turning point for me. My church had a catalyst breakfast emphasizing how Christians had a responsibility to tell their stories. I was pumped.

For the next two years I found myself trying….trying….trying to write for God. I tried to write about all the loss I had suffered. I tried to write stories of all the wrongs that had been done to me.

God wanted me to write about my sin.