I came upon the purpleologist store when I was in Myrtle Beach and it spoke to my heart! After our youngest son was born I distinctly remember looking in my closet and realizing I did not have a single outfit that worked for me.

In my younger days I had the kind of body that I now realize most women covet. I’ve always been inclined towards sports and any efforts spent on athletics have only served to multiply my physical abilities.

It seems odd to me now when I look back.  I was so oblivious to the gifts and abilities God had given me.  I did not honor God with the body he gave me.  I was just a young girl when I began to notice men were drawn to me.  In this sex saturated world it did not take long for me to learn how to wield this power to get the attention that I so desperately craved.  

My Uncle put me in the children’s home when I was ten. He and his two brothers were doctors.  I knew they could take care of me financially and when they didn’t I created a story that there was something wrong with me which caused my Uncles to leave me in the institution where I grew up.

I aged out of the home at 17.  Promiscuous and anxious for love I was pregnant within a few months.  I experienced a crisis of faith and aborted that child. Within a few months later I was pregnant again and sadly repeated with another abortion.  For the first time in my life I was no longer just a victim. I had become the villain.

When I got pregnant the third time, the Holy Spirit intervened convicting me of what I had done.  In December of my 18th year on planet earth I was married.  A few months later I turned 19 followed by the birth of my oldest daughter.

I loved God but only with the love of a child.  My life continued to spiral out of control.  We bought a house had another baby and lived on credit.  We held back nothing, indulging our every whim and desire. 

I worked as a nanny and took college classes in the evening and on weekends.  I was prideful, driven to succeed, emotionally guarded and selfish.  I largely ignored my husbands needs unaware that I had any responsibilities to serve him in any capacity. I don’t know if his pornography addiction developed before or after we were together, but I know now that my behavior did not foster an environment for recovery.  My stubbornness and unforgiving heart only served to feed the cancer in my marriage. 

Uneducated about addictions I did not understand the grip that pornography could have on a man. I was wildly jealous and ferociously angry. The fact that we live in a fallen world fell on deaf ears. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around how a loving God who was all powerful and in control of all things would ordain this life for me.

It’s shocking how skewed my thinking was back then.  I actually believed I was living a Godly life.  I easily dismissed my sins comparing them to what I believed were much larger offenses committed by my husband and all men for that matter.  Now I know that everyone falls short of the cross.

My husband gave me the cold shoulder and preferred a fantasy life to me.  Frustrated with my circumstances, I took matters into my own hands.   I learned all the moves of the seductress.  The slippery speech, the provocative clothes, the lure of my body language called men to come closer.  I competed with these fantasy girls and every time I discovered that my husband was still looking at porn, I upped the anti. 

Being the attractive beautiful woman became my obsession.  Attention from my husband was no longer enough. I wanted attention from all the men.  I was on a mission to prove that I was desirable and of great value.  In my pride I believed that I needed to show my husband how badly he had missed the mark.  After all, only a fool would chase after fantasy girls when the real deal was right in front of him.  I’ve heard it said that pride comes before the fall and I can attest that has been a truth in my life.

Crushed under the pressures of debt and my husband’s pornography addiction,  I made some youthful pleas with the Lord to change my husband and my circumstances. I never once stopped to consider that I was actually part of the problem.  I never once asked God to change me.

One particular weekend I discovered my husband was again looking at pornography despite the promises he had made to stop. I exploded in a fit of rage and as was his custom in that time, my husband threw some clothes into a garbage bag and stormed towards the door.  Childhood memories of abandonment flooded my mind and I threw myself in front of the door. I hated this man who daily betrayed me and at the same time I would never allow him to leave me. 

With his six foot three frame and a hundred pounds on me, he easily threw me aside.  He slammed our door so hard on his way out, I was surprised the windows didn’t shatter.   Within seconds, I was on my feet pursuing him.  The dramatic scene that unfolded that day in my front yard could have been filmed for Hollywood.

When fight or flight kicks in, all reasoning is gone.  The last thing I remember from that day was  diving onto the hood of his car as he was backing out.  He responded by giving the engine full throttle.  He drove like a race car driver and the centrifugal force whipped my body. I landed hard and the sharp gravel cut into my skin.  The car kicked  dust and gravel up into my face and in a flash he was gone leaving me in a crumpled bloody mess on the driveway.  Through the blur of my tears I watched his car round the corner and disappear. Reaching up I smeared the snot off my face that had been dripping down and  vowed to never let him back into “my” house ever again. 

Within nine months I was divorced, remarried and on the verge of bankruptcy.  The second man I chose to marry was not only addicted to pornography, he also brought with him a history of bisexual behaviors, alcohol, drugs and gambling.  I continued to take no ownership for the problems in my life including the men I chose. It wasn’t until much later in life that I learned from Dr. Henry Cloud that my people picker was broken.  

Desperate to hold onto my family and America dream, (or at least the image) I found myself working in the sex industry as a dancer.  It was a devastating season in my life.

The bible talks about when a demon goes out of a person it roams around looking for a place to settle. When it doesn’t find a place to rest it eventually comes back to the place where it came from.  Finding it’s home empty and swept clean it leaves returning with several more spirits.

I can attest that for each time in my life where I called to the Lord for help he delivered me. I can also attest that once a demon has gone out, that space must be filled with the Holy Spirit. 

When I called to God for help he reached into the miry pit and pulled me out.  It is true that when you seek the Lord with all your heart you will find him.  As I drew close to God he drew close to me and in that season I learned that evil cannot reside with the Lord.  Jesus, is the light of the world and his light dispels darkness.

I quit my job as a stripper and filled my time with church, counseling and Al-Anon. It came to pass that my second husband fled.  One morning he kissed me goodbye and pretended to go to work, in reality he drove to California.  In the mess of it all I received papers from the bank telling me we were upside down on the mortgage.  It was a rough deliverance but God strengthened me and I came through it stronger.

I lost my house and many of my worldly possession. I escaped with my life and my children. I fell into a great depression for a time and it was in that dark space where again I encountered God. Over and over again he has rescued me.

At this point you may be wondering what any of this has to do with me being a Purpleologist.

I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to morph into somebody I’m not in order to become a person who is loved and cherished.  It’s the ultimate irony really. Recently a man was working on our house and he asked me, “Why do you wear purple? Why purple? What’s the reason?”

God knew me before he knit me together in my mothers womb.   God has always loved me with an everlasting love,  I just didn’t know it. He pursued me into the depths of darkness and revealed Jesus to me and washed me in his word.   I am worth far more than rubies. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I am God’s workmanship and God’s work is perfect. WOW! I am blown away every time I think about this.

I am in my third marriage.  The first draft of this post was written when I had been married nine years, now I have been married for twenty. This new season of my life has brought three more children who are now getting ready to launch into the world. God has been restoring my soul. It has been beautiful and painful and WONDERFUL!  God has humbled me through surgeries, pregnancies and his Holy word.  The Lord has changed me.

That morning so long ago when I looked into my closet for something to wear I was aghast to discover that I had no idea what I liked.  I no longer wanted to be the seductress. I wanted to please God and captivate my husband.  It was a quandry.  My pre-pregnancy clothes were far to revealing.  God had been removing my platform brick by brick.  He gently and loving humbled me.  No longer would I idolize outward beauty or lower my standards for love and attention.

I looked up to the Lord that day with both of us knowing that I needed to change and this is what I said.  “Lord, I love you. Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for redeeming me and showing me truth. I know now that  beauty does not come from outward adornment but from a gentle and quiet spirit. Help me please to discover the woman you created me to be.  I want to be the Godly wife you designed for my husband.  I am asking for your mercy and grace.  I’m not yet confident in who you say I am.  Show me a way out of this temptation I feel to indulge the world.”

The Lord replied,  “As my chosen daughter, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, and I’d like to remind you that you love the color purple.”

Over the years I have developed quite a wardrobe of various shades of purple. People like to give me purple pens, blankets, mugs, you name it. Many people see purple and they think of me.
I don’t know if anyone would label me as  a woman clothed in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness or patience. I’ll probably be in process for the rest of my life. There are so many moments where I lack the very character traits God wants me to display. If anything, I would guess that people wonder what is up with the broken purple girl. 

The LORD has changed me and these days I’m trying to focus on letting go of what critical people think and say to or about me.   I’m seeking to be kind to myself.  I’m practicing self compassion and I feel deep compassion for the girls who think they need to earn love. 

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 1 Peter 3:3-5

Lately I’ve been telling my family that orange is my new purple. So far it feels like no one believes me. Perhaps look at it like this, a monarch butterfly is orange. Once upon a time it was a caterpillar. I have changed. Just like a caterpillar is drastically different than the butterfly it has been transformed into, I also have been transformed.

A caterpillar crawls around, a butterfly flies around. They don’t eat the same way because they are not the same.

This morning on my walk I was crying out to God. I know God is merciful. I know he wants to give mercy. I looked down in that moment of desperation and saw an orange flower growing out of a crack in the sidewalk. I have a long list of experiences where the Lord has handed me the color orange. At one point in my life I thought perhaps it was a warning, but now I mostly think of monarch butterflies and freedom.

I have been set free. I’m striving to live that way. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. With freedom comes responsibility. Christians aren’t perfect. We still sin. I still live in a fallen world. I don’t have my heavenly body yet.  I am walking through brokenness. I make mistakes, sometimes I’m lazy, I stumble, I get distracted. I am a human being.

There are a lot of things I do right too! It would be nice if some of my family or friends could encourage me because quite honestly, I don’t need one more critical person. I need a hug. I need a break. I need love and I am not talking about the fake love that you have to earn.

It has cost me greatly to tell my story. My life is made up of moments and even though this fifty one years is nothing in light of eternity, nevertheless I still live here. I have been giving my testimony for a very long time. Lately I have wondered over and over, “Am I stupid?”

I know I’m not stupid, but I feel Ike I am fighting harder for some of your lives then you are. I’m trying to break free from it all not because I don’t love you but because at some point I need to accept reality.

I have not received the help, love and compassion I need. It’s not because God can’t help me. God works through people. I am still in need of a new car. This is what God has called me to do. He has called me to tell my story.

I had the money for a car but I spent it on my Run for God trips. God asked me to ask for help and I got very little help. I wasn’t on vacation, I was doing what God called me to do.

I don’t live in the lap of luxury. If you would like to come over and see then give me a call. I prefer talking to people face to face.

At the current moment I am sitting at a dealership with one of my daughters. She needs a new car too. I bought my first car when I was a year younger than her. I wasn’t old enough to get a loan. My best friend at the time went with me and I took $10,000 cash into the dealership. There was a fox there who saw me coming.  He saw me coming from a long way off and took me for every doller. God bless the foxes! Donate

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians3:12