Anyone who is among the living has hope -even a live dog is better off than a dead lion! Ecclesiastes 9:4

Several years ago I wrote a blog post called “Let Go of Christmas.”  It was this blog post right here.  The thing about being a story keeper is that sometimes you have to hold information for a very long time and quite frankly it can be very painful.  At the time of the first draft I knew it was a special message. I have had several drafts and it still will need developing after today.  Below is a short and powerful prayer I wrote after first journaling this story and I hope to find people to join with me in agreement for this prayer.

“Dear God,

Please help me to refine this story for your glory and for the harvest of many souls.  I pray in Jesus’ name. Amen

Love, Alison

In 2017 I heard God tell me to let go of Christmas.  I was surprised that God was telling me to let go because I felt I had already done that very thing.

My son was home from the Navy and we were planning to celebrate with him on Christmas Eve.  Also, I knew he was proposing to his girlfriend.  My oldest daughter was also planning to come with her husband and kids.  I was excited to have the opportunity to have us all together!

For the most part Christmas has been a difficult day for me.  My mom died when I was 9 years old and that next Christmas was one of the worst.  I desperately missed my mom and my grandparents.  My Uncle had my toys from my Mom’s house shipped to Oregon and he wrapped up my old toys and told me they were from Santa.  My stocking was filled with office supplies, tape, a stapler, pens and pencils, so that I wouldn’t go into my Uncles desk to use these things anymore.

That wasn’t how my Mom did Christmas.  When she was alive my stocking had an orange at the bottom and was filled to the brim with candy.  My Mom always set up a small tree in our room and we were allowed to open a present or two from under the tree.  In return we were supposed to let her sleep, but we never did. And every year I got a madame alexander doll.  I loved those dolls. I played with them endlessly over the years.  They represented what ultimately became my dream of being a wife and a mother.

I did get Christmas presents.  I recall receiving a Barbie dream house among other things.  But I was told not to talk about it in school so no one else would be jealous.  The mind is so interesting.  When I first started processing the pain of Christmas without my Mom and Grandparents I didn’t remember the Barbie dream house.  I only remembered what was missing.

So when I was trying to wrap my mind around the idea of letting go of Christmas it just didn’t make any sense to me.  After my Uncle put me in the Children’s home I experienced years of the children who lived there going home with their families for Christmas.  My Uncle lived far away so I didn’t go home for Christmas.  After my older siblings graduated I tried to find a friend’s house to go to so I wouldn’t be the only child left in the children’s home on Christmas Day.

When God says to do something a believer is called to trust and obey.  We aren’t supposed to lean unto our own understanding.  I do try to obey God but I’m the first to confess that I have consistently asked, “But why God? I don’t understand.”  He almost never tells me why.  God and I wrestled as I considered his request to let go of Christmas.  If anyone understands my heartache surrounding Christmas it’s God.

After my 1st divorce, my children were divided between households and they were added to the ranks of people who experience heartache at Christmastime.  Children of divorce go back and forth in an exhausting tug of war where everyone is trying to get what they want at the expense of the children.  This is all because two people are incapable of spending a day or an evening together for the sake of the children.

The year God told me to let go of Christmas my mother-in-law had  invited us over on Christmas Day.  I expressed to my husband that I did not want to go to his parents home on Christmas Day!  I knew Christmas Eve was going to be a lot and I was probably going to be tired on Christmas Day.

We had been celebrating with her on Christmas Eve at Grandma Maria’s home for years.  In fact for the seventeen years I had been with my husband at the time many of those years we spent Christmas Eve at Grandma Maria’s and then Christmas Day at my mother-in-law’s.

When our last three kids were born we pulled back on Christmas Day. We were tired.  We had a blended family.  We were still full into the crazy making that happens when families are divided.  So we were driving our teenagers to their other parent’s houses or waiting for them to be picked up.

It wasn’t received well by my mother-in-law that I wanted to stay home.  I asked God how much more I could let go because that particular year I was punished just for giving my opinion.

Ultimately I told my husband that my preference was to stay home on Christmas Day.  But I also told him that I was willing to go.  He was infuriated with me and did not talk to me for three weeks.  It didn’t matter to him that I said I would go.  He was bothered that I didn’t want to go.

It was confusing for me.  Because even though I didn’t want to go, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to spend the day with my in-laws.  In fact I had proposed that my mother-in-law and father-in-law, along with my sister-in-law and brother-in-law and their three kids come to our house.

My husband actually agreed to this solution but then at some point I asked for my brother-in-law’s phone number because I wanted to be sure everyone got the invite.  At that point my husband went over the edge, he yelled at me and refused to give me the number.  I wondered if he was struggling with shame over the condition of our house fixer upper house.  But I wasn’t given any answers.

In the weeks before Christmas I got a call from my sister-in-law. I admit, I did not want to call her back.  She has said many hurtful words to me over the years.  Words can sting and up to that point I could not remember ever receiving a LIFE giving word from her.

God told me to call her back and I did.  By the power of the Holy Spirit I kept my tongue while she verbally assaulted me for my desire to not celebrate at my mother-in-law’s on Christmas Day.

My responses fell on deaf ears.  At one point I misspoke and before I could correct my error she lunged and went into a full venting.  I could see that the conversation was not getting anywhere and I felt I might say or do somethings damaging if I stayed on the line.  I told her I only had about five more minutes before I needed to get off the phone.  She used the entire time to continue the assault.  Today I’m not sure why I stayed on the line.  It was an eye opening experience and it felt like the longest five minutes. Then when I let her know I needed to get off the phone, the last few darts were shot at me.

I did try to work this out with my sister-in-law.  I invited the whole family over to my house when I brought the Christmas tree home from my Grandparent’s home in July of 2023.  She never responded to my invitation. When my mother-in-law arrived I told her that I had invited my sister-in-law but that I had not heard back.  My mother-in-law picked up her phone and made a call.  Not long after that my sister-in-law showed up at our house.

It seemed like things went well between us but we have barely had words since that day.  Our interactions haven’t gone well. Leading up to this Christmas I reached out to her because my son was making homemade Christmas gifts for the family and needed some information to customize the gifts.  Despite reaching out several times she did not respond.

The year God told me to let go of Christmas I got the silent treatment from my husand and after three weeks of my husband not talking to me, I asked him how much longer it was all going to go on.  He said, until I said that I wanted to go.  I told him that like I said before, I will go to his parent’s house and that I would not make a big deal of it, but I do not want to go.

I have spent my whole life with people trying to shut me down.  All I have is my opinions and my voice. When God asks me to do something I don’t want to or feels too hard I know he will equip me to do it but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.  As the call arises the Lord gives me grace to pour on messy circumstances.  He gives me love to give to unloving people.  The joy of the Lord is my strength and because of my Father God, I walk into difficult situations with a peace that surpasses understanding.  But make no mistake, I also run to him for healing.

Christmas Eve came and went that year.  It was all I hoped it would be and more.  Christmas morning came and I was prepared to go where God was sending me.  It had been a warfare but I was ready to obey God.

We were due to be at my mother-in-laws about 1pm.  While I was taking my shower with just a few minutes to spare before we departed, I heard my daughter ask me to bring the dog in from the yard.  That was irritating because of the obvious reasons. I wasn’t exactly dressed to go into our snow filled back yard.  I was in the shower!  I asked her if she could ask her Dad for help.

Five minutes later I was dripping wet and dressed in a towel and my daughter informed me that the dog had jumped the fence and run away!  I was shocked!  Why didn’t Dad get the dog I wondered out loud!

You see, the dog was actually my son’s dog and I had promised to watch him.  His name is Tucker, and he is a black lab mix.  He’s a great dog but very skittish and high strung.

I couldn’t believe it! I whipped on some jeans, a t-shirt and my new Ugg boots that I had just unwrapped that morning. I grabbed my coat and phone and ran out the door.  Over my shoulder I yelled, “I’m going after Tucker!”

I wasn’t even a block away when my Son called.  He said a neighbor had Tucker and they had called the number on his collar.  My son gave me the address on where to pick up Tucker and a wave of relief swept over me.

To my dismay, when I arrived just a few blocks away I saw Tucker running down the street.  The man had gotten scared and Tucker slipped out of his grip.  I called my son to tell him and the Great Christmas Day Chase ensued.

I drove as far as I could before Tucker took a “cut through” sidewalk with no road next to it.  I was forced to drive around the block.  When I got there I could see him running full speed across the park.  So I parked my car and took off across the field.

My mind was reeling. It felt surreal, unbelievable and yet it was happening in real time.

My son called and I let him know my location.  I found myself jumping over fences to chase Tucker.  He had run across the park and down the embankment to the frozen creek. I couldn’t get down there, it was way to steep so I ran along all of the back yards that ended along the creek.

A few blocks down my son met up with me.  We each took a side of the creek.  We were on a mission to chase after, pursue and capture Tucker.

That day I discovered that I could run two and a half hours through snow, for the love of my son.  I knew he would be devastated if the dog got lost.

We would chase him and then lose him as he did multiple “cut throughs” were we couldn’t go.  Then we would say to random people who were outside. “Have you seen my dog?”

Before long there were strangers who joined the hunt.  Then my son’s fiancé showed up, and she brought people with her too.

We were all of us united of one mind. To seek, save, and bring Tucker home!

It all finally ended when my son cornered Tucker on a golf course.  He handed Tucker to me over a six foot chain link fence.  As I received Tucker into my arms, I could see he was covered in ice.  His whole underside, and all four legs.   I wondered if after all of this if he was going to die.

My son scaled the fence and got into the car with me. Now that we had Tucker in hand, the new goal became nurturing him back to life.  He was frozen, scared, and quite pathetic looking.  We called the vet and got instructions on how to handle potential frostbite and to learn the best way to help Tucker.

• Bath
• Hairdryer
• Snuggle

I will never forget the vision of my son laying on the couch exhausted with his arms wrapped around Tucker.  They seemed to be getting comfort from each other.

My son fell asleep like that.  With Tucker getting warmed from the close embrace of his owner who loved him.

There was no punishment of Tucker, or for him.  Only relief.  Relief he had been found, captured and brought home.

When we had arrived back at my house with Tucker, I learned that my daughter Alissa had developed a fever while I was gone.  She layed in a chair feverish and obviously unwell.

My husband looked at me and said, “I’m going to my parents house and I’m taking Hannah and Nathanael. Bye!”

With that said, he walked out the door.  I was so exhausted from my running and chasing Tucker that it was probable thirty minutes before I realized that I would in fact be home for Christmas.

It was utterly amazing!  I had gotten up early and cooked a turkey so we could have a nice family meal together for Christmas.  I had celebrated, I had full intentions of going to my in-laws but in the end God worked it out so that I didn’t have to go.

Sometimes God wants us to let go of something so HE can do something that only HE can do.  As I looked at my son sleeping on the couch, I realized that a modern day parable had just taken place.

Jesus didn’t come into the world to condemn it. But to seek and to save those which are lost!

This should make you shout out loud!   When you grasp the grace of God it is impossible to hold back the uproar! God’s grace is scandalous.  He is the King of Grand Slam Home Runs!

At one point after we got home my son said, “I don’t think Tucker recognized me. If he had realized it was me, he wouldn’t have kept running!”

It’s the same with Jesus.  Some people are running and if they only knew the Savior of the world was pursuing them, perhaps they wouldn’t run.  I love how the chase started with one person and after a short time there was a whole team seeking to save and bring home Tucker.

This is how God wants his church to be.  We need to be of one accord, all seeking to chase after and save lost souls.  God’s word says, “He who saves souls is wise.”

Christmas is about Christ.  God sent his Son into the world to save us.  God’s Son came into the world as a baby for the purpose of dying on the cross as an atoning sacrifice so that we may be saved, forgiven, and healed. He defeated death and rose again! It is amazing grace!

The Bible says there are none who are righteous, no not one.  We are all in need of a Savior.  Jesus came to seek and save.  He came for the sick, the lame, he came for the destitute.

All who come to Jesus will find rest. God loves you!

Have you been running from God?  He wants to wrap his arms around you.  He wants to comfort you.  He wants to rescue you.

My life has turned into a nightmare trying to bring this Christmas message to you.  I have been shunned, cheated on, lied to, gossiped about, misunderstood and quite frankly my family has been very hurtful.

I have to constantly analyze if I am giving myself away to something that is profitable or am I perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction?  This year I told my husband that we have always battled over Christmas and I understand that I lost that battle.

During the pandemic Henry Cloud made a Christmas challenge to have all of our shopping done by Christmas.  I took that bate hook, line and sinker.  When Thanksgiving came I was completely prepared for Christmas.  The only problem was that I slipped into an old pattern that I thought had been long gone.  In one swift shopping trip I did a lot of impulse buying.  That year we had extra money from our tax return and I took it and spent it on Christmas gifts.  I confessed it to my husband right away.

The next year when I pulled out my Christmas review and read it I came to the quick conclusion that I didn’t have money to buy presents or time to make presents.  So I did one of the most painful things I have ever done.  I did nothing.  I let Christmas come and go and I didn’t do anything.  That year on Christmas Day the Lord told me to ask for help.

I laid in bed that Christmas.  My entire body hurt from head to toe and I wrote the blog post HELP!!!  I wanted to write this post.  But I have learned that it is IMPOSSIBLE  to bring a story forth unless it’s God’s perfect timing.

My husband has also impulsively spent money.  The year I was training for the Run for God Big Beach Marathon my husband left the house with our son.  When he came home he had spent all of the Christmas money at Dave’s Rock shop.

The year I didn’t buy Christmas presents was because I repented.  I knew the Lord was convicting me from my wayward spending.  But this year I learned that my repentance the year before meant nothing to my husband.  After a year of very painful construction he dangled an offer of Christmas money in front of my face.  It was because he wasn’t prepared.  It was because it was something that always worked in the past.

I didn’t take the money.  I didn’t choose to swoop in and rescue my husband either.  And I’m not going to try to rescue him.  I want to be married.  I want to have reconciliation with my family and I have decided to free myself from the impossible task of trying to save my family.

On Christmas Eve we went to Christ church of Oak brook. We ran right into a couple who read 1 Corinthians 13 at our wedding. Then we sat in the sanctuary and listened to Dan Meyer the man who married us preach his last Christmas service.

One of our old pastors Steve Carter from Willow Creek was there. He is now the new pastor at the church where I grew up.

I reached out to my Uncle Don after going through my Grandparents home in July of 2023.  We went back and forth in email and I shared we were in a difficult season.  He responded,  “Thank you for contacting me. I am sorry that you and your family are ‘going through a lot over here’. It is part of the human condition to go through a lot. When I read your blog I am overwhelmed by the sadness it portrays. I will hold you in my heart with the intention of some resulting warmth, tenderness, and love.”

I cannot even begin to tell you all how distressing the last several years have been.  When my father-in-law ghosted us on the kitchen project my husband had a nervous breakdown. I should have called the police but instead I removed myself from the house.

This year before Christmas my husband had another breakdown.   He started screaming and yelling at me about how I need to get all of the kitchen appliances out of the basement.  He started grabbing things and throwing them in my office.  The toaster oven, the electric teapot, a countertop oven, a portable dishwasher.  I pushed the dishwasher out of my office and said he needed to stop.  He opened the door to the dishwasher and started stomping on the door.  Glass was breaking and ultimately I called the police.

Ironically, there just so happens to be a refrigerator in the basement that belongs to one of the men who came into the Admiral Theater from the days when I worked as a stripper.  I never wanted his refrigerator in our house and my husband knew that and knew why.  After my husband took our kitchen and gutted it down to nothing I found myself having to go to that refrigerator on a regular basis.  I was so upset.  I went to my friend’s house. Her husband is one of the pastors at our church and I explained everything.  I said that I would be willing to do whatever God wanted.  I’ll stay married, I’ll get divorced, I’ll do whatever God wants.  The pastor said, “You should do whatever glorifies God the most.

This has got to stop!

I don’t want to live in an addicted home.  My husband sits in a recliner playing video games every night across from a tv.  I need someone to get involved who has experience dealing with addictions.

I am seeking to write this from a place of love.  But I am not talking about a toxic love with no limits.  I am here to set some limits and boundaries on myself to stop some toxic people from hurting me and my kids.  I don’t want to expose myself to people who refuse to respond.

I don’t want to live in a home with an addict.  I can forgive but I cannot trust until I see changed behavior. An addict needs involvement in a proven change process.  This cannot be some vague promise for the future.  I need to know when my husband would do this.

Addicts need more structure.  They need an external structure built around them.  They need time on the calendar in a program that exists.  New wisdom needs to be brought in.  Someone who knows how to handle addictions.  Someone who can bring new experiences and skills, such as communications skills and emotional skills.

I want to see my husband have self sustaining motivations.  He needs to want to change on his own.  Character determines behavior.  I want to hear him say, “I am in need of help! I have a problem!“

I actually thought God was going to buy me an airstream trailer for Christmas a few years ago.  I want to travel and give my testimony. I want to buy a farm where people can heal from trauma.

What I ended up getting was Covid on Christmas Day.  I  thought I was going to die that year and I told my husband that I forgave him.  He acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about.  I told him it wasn’t about if he thought he did anything wrong.  I told him that at some point the Lord would convict him of his sins and if I died from Covid I didn’t want him to live with a cloud of shame hanging over him.  I wanted him to know that I had it in my heart to forgive him.

Exactly nine months after I got Covid I thought something amazing was coming.  I traveled a lot that year for Run for God.  But mixed in there was the Christian Alliance for Orphan’s Conference.  I have been perpetually confused as to how I could have grown up in a children’s home and my husband in his words doesn’t care about the fucking orphans.

I got home from the CAFO conference and exactly nine months after our first bout with Covid we had Covid again.  I was trying to train for the Big Beach marathon and we went to the forest preserve and walked together. Neither of us could talk because of the coughing.  We just silently walked.

Last year I had a profound moment where I was crying out to God about our financial situation.  I learned someone was trying to use my ministry account and so the card for my ministry had to be cancelled. In my prayer time with God I felt he was telling me to make a jar of what I like to call “Deep Sea Food.”  Basically it’s a mason jar full of scriptures.  I was writing out scriptures the Lord was giving me and filling the jar when I got to Psalm 119:105 I wrote it out and made a verse image.

“Your word is a lamp to my feet, a light on my path“. Psalm 119:105

On May 16th and the credit union called so we could straighten everything out and they could send me a new card.  The woman on the phone asked if she should send the card to my home address.  “No,” I told her.  “I like my ministry mail to go to my ministry address.”

She was quiet for a moment and then she said, “119:1o5.”

I was stunned, I looked down at Psalm 119:105 that I had just written out.  I looked at the verse image I had just made of Psalm 119:105.  Before the phone rang I had been listening to Amy Grant’s song “Thy Word” which is based on Psalm 119:105.

I asked the lady, “Do you know what you just said?”  She was quiet again and the she repeated herself, “119:105.”

I realized she didn’t know that I was just meditating on Psalm 119:105 before she called.  I explained the situation and she said, “Yes, you have a very biblical ministry address.”

This ministry has been to my family.  God told me to focus on my family.  During the pandemic when I was doing my GoFundMe a friend told me that I needed to go big or go home.  But repeatedly I kept hearing the Holy Spirit say, “Focus on the Family.”  I cannot think of a harder job in the world.

I guess we are at a cross road.  I want reconciliation. I want to give my testimony.  Not in a way where I shame and blame.  Rather I want to write and speak to remember how I was delivered from the mouth of the lion.  I want to bless not blame.

Almost every single blog post I write is way too long.  I need to be able to focus on writing my book.  My family needs help.  I have to find some people to start a non profit so people will be able to see where their donations go.  I only have one life to live and I’m going to make the most of it.

I don’t want to participate in this insanity anymore.  Last year before the holidays I got into a car accident.  I was rear ended.  The police officer said the person who hit me didn’t have insurance.  He said I could go to court if I want to.  And I have been thinking about court since that time.

We go to court for a fair judgment.  It wouldn’t be right for God to just let sin go.  He can’t.  And aren’t we all glad when the guilty party is judged guilty?  It only seems fair that the guilty are convicted.

God already knows our sins.  He isn’t asking us to confess them so he’ll know, he wants us to be humble enough to realize that we are guilty and in need of a Savior.  Jesus did not come into the world to condemn us.  I often have to ask God to remind me that he loves me.  My life has been a very messy journey.  I’ve made one bad decision after the next.  I’ve learned that bad decisions make very good stories.

The righteous are as bold as a lion.  It’s true that the Lord has stood with me and helped me deliver a painful testimony.  I like the idea of being like a lion.  But honestly,  I feel like my behavior has been closer to that of a fool.  I’ve made poor decisions over and over again.  A fool returns to his folly like a dog returns to his vomit.

With God we have the option to tell the truth about our sin and receive grace and mercy in our time of need. When I stand before the Lord for judgement I can plead the blood of Jesus.  He takes the punishment.  God wants to forgive you but he cannot forgive you if you are unwilling to forgive.

I was in and out of court with my ex-husband so much so that I wanted to die.  It’s a miracle that I am here.  It’s a miracle that I would be fighting for this family.  Family is forever, you all know that right?

Recently, I salvaged a typewriter desk from the curb on Anniversary Avenue in Madison Wisconsin.  When I looked up the area on the map I am not kidding you, there is a road called Derek Rd. I can’t make this stuff up.

For Christmas this year I bought a DNA test for our dog Florentine.  Our whole family wanted to know what kind of dog she is.  It was fun to learn all about what kind of dog she is.  But the test got me thinking and I asked my husband if he had to do a DNA test for his oldest son.  He said yes.

After Christmas this year I asked my friend if I could borrow her pencil Christmas tree when  she was ready to take it down.   She wasn’t ready to give it up.  After that I saw a free pencil Christmas tree on Craigslist and a guy named Jim was going to give it to me.  He  told me to meet him on division street but then he gave the tree to someone else.

Ultimately I got a small tree with no lights.  I ended up in Deer Park and I went into a store called Aldar’d State.  The first thing I saw was a hat that said, “JESUS SAVES, I SPEND.”  I Proceeded to buy myself some clothes and a pair of boots with the Christmas money I had been given by my in-laws.

The next day I felt as if I had done something wrong.  I laid in bed and thought what in the world? Why do I feel so awful?  I mean I felt like I had lost my virginity.  I thought, I’m not going to get that back.  I almost never shop at a regular store.  It’s almost always a resale shop.  And every year I have been given a cash gift I have always put it right into my ministry.  The blogging has come at a cost and it is far beyond financial.  God knows that he has had me in the refiners fire for this entire marriage. I wanted to post this yesterday because it was my 12 year anniversary from when I started this blog. That’s twelve years I will never get back.

It is an absolute mystery to me why I have such a deep desire to travel around and tell  how the Lord rescued me because I feel like I’m not very good at it.  A friend sent me a box of crosses for my ministry and it somehow got redirected to the United States Postal Service Lost and Found.  I find that very fitting considering I am speaking to a lot of people who are lost and need to be found.  Quite frankly I’ve felt lost in all of this.

It’s fitting that God took me to Deer Park because that’s where I lost the Hot Cocoa 5k. I came in dead last.

There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus.  We are all called to forgive and reconcile.  God wants to forgive you but you must be willing to forgive.  It’s that simple.

As a final letting go of Christmas I am offering seven gifts.  These gifts are for seven men.  I don’t know who these men are.  I’m somewhat uncomfortable but I’m going to take God’s leading on this.  Perhaps you are reading this and you are a man who has never known the joy of being forgiven.  Maybe you know me, maybe you don’t.  It doesn’t matter.  What matters is that the Lord wants to bless you.  If my testimony has helped you come to understand that Jesus Christ is a savior who saves, I hope you won’t waste another moment.  I urge you that while it is still called today accept the free gift of salvation.

For Christmas this year my daughter and I sewed these Christmas puppies for my grandkids. 

A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. Luke 6:34

No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the LORD. Isaiah 54:17

“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” Luke 22:42

“David inquired of the Lord shall I pursue after these bandits? Yes! You will surely overtake them and recover everything that was taken!”

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30