One of the most challenging obstacles that I’ve encountered as a result of telling my story is that people in my life who think they know the story have twisted it.  I have been confessing and owning my sins as the Lord has been convicting and making me aware.  There are some people in my story who have wounded me and they are refusing to acknowledge it.

They won’t own their sins.  They aren’t saying sorry, they aren’t truthfully telling their stories.  Instead they’ve just been using my willingness to be vulnerable to cover their sins.  Could I call them out? Sure, I could but that’s not what God is asking me to do right now.  He sees everything anyway. He knows.

I never really thought it would be a good thing for me to have been married three times, yet it seems to work to my advantage when I’m trying to tell a story about my life without pointing a finger directly at someone who has hurt me.  My goal isn’t to point a finger in an accusing way.  God can handle that and it’s a good thing too, because God is merciful.  There really is no sin that cannot be forgiven.

It could be tempting to try to plug in specific names to the stories I’m telling.  I hope you don’t.  There are times where it might be obvious to you who I’m talking about simply because of the timeframe or the fact that some of these events happened in front of other people.  Please still, I urge you to not fall into the slimy gossip pit. God loves everybody.  There are real people involved here and deep in my heart I’m hoping for the miracle of redemption and reconciliation.  Remember I have a family that I love and there is an enemy that is attacking us.  Anyone who chooses gossip is helping the enemy.

I’ve chosen the path of forgiveness. I don’t want to return evil for evil, I really don’t.  But I do want to heal and I don’t see that happening if I just pretend that nothing ever happened.  Because HUGE things have happened.  I have experienced a lot of trauma and I’m not going to pretend that I haven’t.  Telling my story and watching family members and friends talk about me and twist the truth with their gossiping has only added insult to my injuries.

I believe that the Lord binds up the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit and I’m more than ready for Him to fill my heart bucket to overflowing.  Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of LIFE.  With that being said I give you Psalm 45:1

My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the king; my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer. Psalm 45:1

How you see things affects everything.  I had survived oppression and abuse and the worst part of it was that in some cases scripture was taken out of context and it was used as a weapon to harm me.  When my first marriage was on the brink of disaster I went to the Bible to see what God had to say about marriage.  The first verse I read was Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.

This one little verse was twisted in such a way that I am still recovering 25 years later.  I remember reading it out loud and I said, “Well that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of!”

I was desperate to make my marriage work and so I reluctantly and naively handed over all of myself to my husband.  For a very short and traumatic season I allowed him to have all of my votes on everything.  My thoughts and opinions were still there, but I was told they didn’t matter. I bowed down to what he wanted and I didn’t get a choice.  He was the head and I wasn’t. He was the husband and I was only the wife. I was so deceived.

I have a lot to say on submission and biblically dying to self and it can’t possibly be totally unpacked in one little blog post.

I will say this, you should never let another person deform the person God created you to be.  Biblically dying to self always means that you grow and transform into something more not less.  You reap what you sow. Jesus hasn’t called me to become nothing.  He has set me free to be MORE of who God created me to be.

Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. John 12:24

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

When I write, I write to remember all that Jesus has taught me and continues to teach me.  I write to remember what He has delivered me out of and to heal.  I want to remember that when I’m feeling these growing pains I don’t have to be afraid.  I can trust the process. I can trust the KING of Kings, the LORD of Lords. God’s growing pains are part of the process.

Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Galatians 6:8