When God first put it on my heart to tell my story I legit thought He was nuts and I told Him that.  I had a million excuses as to why I couldn’t and wouldn’t speak for Him.  One of my main points I made was simply that people were mean.  That was the only vocabulary I had for it at the time.

I didn’t want to see the pointing fingers.  I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of shame and blame.  Now that I have been obeying God I have to say that the people I was afraid of really did live up to my greatest fears.  Gossip, slander, triangulation, these are murderous words. They truly kill relationships.

I wish it wasn’t true but now I know all about stonewalling and shunning. These are experiences I don’t yet have the poise and grace to publicly unfold.

If you claim to be a follower of Christ and you have a problem with me then you have an obligation to come to me directly.  Satan comes to kill, steal and destroy and he is having a field day in my family. This feels heavy to me. So I’ll show you my puppy.

Some people in my life don’t realize the ground is level at the foot of the cross.  There is no one that God doesn’t love.  There is nothing that cannot be forgiven. Nobody wants to step up to be condemned. It feels awful.   You do realize we are all guilty…right? No one is righteous, not even one. Yet Christ died for all of us.

A beautiful thing that came from me stepping out in vulnerability is that I can say with confidence to you all that we must stop back stabbing each other.  God hears every word.  He knows our hearts. He knows when we are being real and when we are lying to ourselves and others.

Who has heard this joke? “Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt.”

God convicted me to be authentic. There has been real pain in reliving what I’ve been through. To my devastation there are people who have used this situation to cover up their own sins.

People hurled insults at Christ and He silently took it. How did He do that? I really want to know.   It takes my breath away that He did that for me.

He was mocked while He hung on that cross naked, wounded, humiliated and afraid (yes, He felt it all because He was fully human). He was completely rejected, which I personally believe to be the worst kind of wound. He suffered and bore our sins so that we could be healed.

Do you know the joy of being forgiven?

One summer  I went to counseling to process some of the grief of my mother dying.  During that summer the Holy Spirit touched me in such a way that I was excited to tell my story.

I walked into the counselors office with a bag of my journals and told her all about how God showed me that I was and am a writer. These journals were my proof.  God had been preparing me for this all along.

She took one look at me and said, “Well make sure you don’t use the word ‘abandoned’ when you tell your story.”  The shock of this suggestion left me dumbfounded.  I was so naive that I went home and actually took her seriously.  It was a huge stumbling block to me because of the obvious fact that I WAS abandoned.

I stand in awe with how the LORD has been able to untie my tongue.  He has given me courage to face critical people and to stand my ground.  But the most amazing thing is the love.

The LORD deeply loves all people.  How he was able to take my heart and give me compassion for the people who wounded me so deeply that I wanted to die, is utterly amazing.

When I trusted Jesus to be my savior, I was really focused on Him saving me from my sins. Now He’s walking me down a healing path.  I’ve decided to believe that Jesus is everything that He says He is, including the healer of my broken heart.

Here is one of a handful of books I’m working through.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23

“Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭16:24‬

“Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent out his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭107:19-20‬