Have you ever been asked to do something you didn’t want to do?  Sometimes God prompts me to do things that I don’t want to do.  Occasionally  He sets me on a path that doesn’t make sense, feels too difficult, or is uncomfortable. This blog post is a perfect example. I like to pray about what God wants me to write about.  When I asked God what He wanted me to write about next, He came back with a blog post titled “Straight Talk About Breasts.”

“Nooooo,” I moaned, as I laid in bed with my eyes still closed. I grabbed a pillowed and pushed it down over my face wishing I didn’t have to get out of bed that day.  It’s been about a month of wrestling and here I am.  I can do this! I can do hard things!  Straight talk is one of my idiosyncrasies.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

Since I am currently in the refiners fire, I’m finding it difficult to articulate myself the way I normally do.  I like to write about the parts of my life that I have overcome.  The areas of my life where God has swooped in with his redeeming hand, those are the tales I want to tell.

We live in a social media world where everyone is trying to make themselves look perfect.  I promise you, I am guilty of trying to get my best photos to put on instagram.  During family photo shoots I have been known to say, “Now, everyone pretend you are happy!” But the truth is, we are not always happy, and life is not perfect.

God has called me to give my testimony, and I’m not in a pretty chapter.  Currently, I am walking through breast implant illness.  There is such a whirlwind surrounding this illness.  In this storm, I have had people blame me, and shame me.  I’ve received unsolicited advice, and criticism.  It’s not fun to have someone smack you with your past, especially because there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

This is not about me wanting to judge or condemn men for loving pornography, or strip clubs, both of which contributed to me ending up in my current situation.  This is about me needed healing.  I’m sick and I need to get well.  I cannot heal from a wound I pretend doesn’t exist.

As I look back and take an inventory of all that has transpired I can see very clearly.  My mother’s own deformed breast planted a seed from the enemy.  Early on I saw my mother grieve all that breast cancer took from her.  Chemotherapy, and radiation leave their mark.  I witnessed my Mom consoling herself by rehearsing God’s promise of a new heavenly body, and she pointed out that perfect breasts were part of the package.

In addition to my mother’s illness, I was exposed to all sorts of pornographic images starting around the tender age of five years old.  The women in those magazines, and then later on in inappropriate movies, educated me.  They showed me what men liked, and what I needed to become.

Let me draw attention to the fact that after my mother died, I was starved for affection.  Within a year of my mother’s death, I found myself living in a children’s home.  My grandparents had been moved out of state, and my siblings lived in different buildings.  I was ten years old, and no one came to tuck me in at night, or pray for me.  There was no one to give me a hug, or a kiss goodnight.  No one told me I was loved.  In this Covid world of social distancing, please tell me someone can understand the devastating effects of social isolation.  God designed us to be loved! We were made for connection, first to Him, and then to other people.

It didn’t take long for the boys in the children’s home to start coming around with empty promises.  It was during my first year at the home that a boy reached up my shirt and shamed me for being flat.  I spent seven years in that environment.  The ache for love is real, and deep, and raw.  Children need parents, and for the most part, I grew up without that protection.

This world teaches people to change outwardly.  In junior high I was encouraged to wear a padded push up bra, and later on in life, I actually thought I was improving myself by undergoing breast augmentation surgery.  I cannot continue to pretend to be someone that I am not.  I was made in God’s image, and he never intended for me to look like the girls in those magazines.

I feel really badly for all of the heartache I have caused.  My skewed thinking led me down a path that has hurt a lot of people, and since God has made me new, I have to acknowledge the whole story.  I can’t change what I have done.  God has been transforming me into a new creation.  He transforms us from the inside out, by weeding out the enemy’s lies and replacing them with the truth of His promises found in the Bible.

A few years ago, I helped out with a summer Bible camp for kids.  They were teaching the kids how God changes us, and they showed the kids two pictures.  One picture was a chameleon which changes on the outside to conform, and blend in with its environment.   The other picture showed a monarch butterfly which had been transformed from a caterpillar into a totally new creation.

That’s me! I am a new creation, and the Lord has made it clear that the implants have to go!

One thing that I’ve learned from being a straight shooter is that telling the truth will divide a room.  Some people cannot handle the truth, and that’s okay.  I understand that I cannot please everyone.  I’m even hoping that some people will get really upset by what they are reading here today.  Caterpillars don’t have the same perspective as a soaring butterfly.  God’s people should be grieved when they hear of a child who has been taken captive through hollow and deceptive philosophies.

I’m sad to confess that I have been on the receiving end of rage because I talk about God so much.  I’ve been threatened to not tell my God stories, and I’ve been shunned by some people for refusing to be muzzled.  I really like people.  Happy people are my favorite, and it was beyond distressing to me to find myself at such a heart wrenching crossroad.

All I have ever wanted is love.  I have bent over backwards, even going so far as to mutilate my body with these implants to try to earn love.  I now know fervently, that love cannot be earned.  Love is a beautiful gift, and it cannot be forced.

My hope is that someone else can glean from my suffering.  Perhaps sharing my story will discourage another woman from going down a path that will inevitably end up trapping her.   I know I don’t want my daughters to suffer through this.  I don’t want to see any woman falling into the same pit. What if sharing my story opens the cage door for another woman whom God is calling to be authentic? There are a lot of women who are silently suffering from breast implant illness.

What I need right now is support.  I need people who can handle real life.  I need people who can shake off a spirit of fear.  I’m sharing my story bit by bit, both on my blog, and on social media.  It’s hard, and scary, and I am compelled to do it.  So if you can’t be nice, then please just go away.  I wish you many blessings.  I cannot be bothered right now by people who are trying to keep me down.

At this point I am scheduled for explant surgery in January.  I’m on a high priority wait list, and if it’s God’s will and timing, perhaps I will have surgery sooner.  Here is a list of some of the needs I have.

• Prayer support team
• Fundraising team
• Website developer
• A mentor

God sent me for a nice chat with Dr. Henry Cloud on “The Henry Cloud Show.” Among other things, Henry made it clear that I need a mentor to come alongside me.  This was a confirmation of what I already knew.  I have long been holding a blog post still in rough draft form titled, “Mentors Matter.”  I understand the importance of getting outside support when your family fails you.

I’ve had some people reach out to me on social media.  If you’re seriously concerned, and want to help, that isn’t the best place.  Call me, send me an email, and then please only do that if you have something tangible to offer.  I spent part of this past winter in a wheel chair.  I am stretched thin.  If you want to truly love me, show up with the good stuff.

Breast implant illness has been ruining my life.  I’ve been trying to navigate this situation within my own family, and a small group of people, because of the obvious, it’s incredibly embarrassing.  Ideally, one should be able to expose a problem for what it is, have their support system rally around them, and tackle it.  Unfortunately, that didn’t happen in my case.  God is sovereign and he has allowed this testimony to be pushed to the surface while I am still in the middle of the test.

Lastly, I will say that as hard as this is to walk through, it is really an answer to prayer.  Breast implants suck! They have made me question if I am loved for the real me.  I’ve lost my health, and I’ve been wounded by people who can’t handle my story.  If you are thinking of getting breast implants, I beg of you, please don’t!  Keep em real!

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:8-11

And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you]. Romans 12:2 AMP  (transformed:  From the Greek word meaning “metamorphosis.” Refers to the process that leads to an outward, permanent change.)

At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion’s mouth. 2 Timothy 4:16-17