It’s tax time again and that familiar anxious feeling has been rising to the surface. I know that fear does not come from God. God is love and perfect love casts out fear. God says that he did not give me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind.

It seems that Satan is extra busy trying to wreak havoc in my life. Today is my twenty first anniversary. But I don’t feel like celebrating.

My husband has a construction company called Asgard Creations, LLC. He insists that I do the paperwork for his company. He has always maintained that his company does not have enough money to pay me a wage. For years I argued with him and tried to tell him that a worker is worth the wage. My words had no effect.

Since I am a writer I decided to try to build my own business and I started a company called Family L.I.F.E. Team Co. One day my husband and I had another argument about him wanting me to do work but not paying me. He told me that he was willing to write a check to my company. But he still wasn’t willing to pay me. Instead he took part of our family budget and shifted it to my company.

I wasn’t happy with this because he was still refusing to pay me but I realized I was in fact doing work for him. I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong.

At some point my husband started getting paid in large amounts of cash from one of his customers. He decided that he didn’t want to pay taxes on it. I wrote about it on my blog and I took the money from the gun safe and put it in the bank. My husband told me that I was untrustworthy because I took the money out of the safe.

I do not want to break the law. I want to pay my taxes. I want to get along with my husband.

When we were first married I was under a lot of stress. We had three children together. I had three abdominal surgeries. We lived in a home that flooded multiple times. I had no income of my own and I used to go to the store and shop when I was under stress.  These are all things I have publicly confessed.

We went to Willow Creek Community Church and they gave us a HOPE bag. We were supposed to be collecting money for them.  I didn’t have any money to give so I started returning things to the store so I could give money to Willow Creek.

The Lord showed me that I was wishy washy. Now I only buy something if I’m willing to permanently part with the money.

I have always told God that I would like to make money with my writing but the deepest desire of my heart is that my writing would help someone believe in Jesus.

I don’t want to support dysfunction. I’m not going to say that I don’t care about money.  I have to choose what to do with my life, my talent and my treasure. I want my life to glorify God.

I feel broken. I cannot seem to help one person come to faith. I cannot make a disciple or a dollar. I can’t seem to get the help I need even though I ask. God’s word says he heals broken hearts. I would like him to start with mine.

Last week my husband wanted me to go to the grocery store with him to buy Easter food. I was driving and he wanted me to go through the ATM. I pulled through the ATM backwards because that’s how my life feels right now. My husband was on the passenger side and he withdrew cash from his business account and we went to the grocery store.

I’m a grown adult. Grown ups are supposed to be able to make their own decisions and I do make my own decisions. I make painful decisions every single day.

Our electric piano is in the shop getting fixed. The keys were getting stuck. When I took it in for repairs on April 16th the business door was locked. I knocked on the door and the owner Jon came to the door. He apologized for the door being locked and explained that he was doing his taxes. When he wrote up the ticket for me he told me that he didn’t want to spend extra money on personalized paperwork so it was a generic form. He gave me a business card to go with it. I said, “You and my husband are in the same boat!”

I pointed out to Jon that he spelled my name wrong and he said it didn’t matter.

“It matters to me!” I told him and I handed the paper back to him.

He took the paper and added an “r’ and handed it back to me. Do you see how impossible it is to hold someone accountable who doesn’t have the correct spelling of the customer’s name and doesn’t have their business information on the paperwork.

My husband yelled at me last week and told me that it is standard practice to not pay taxes on 10%. He told me that sometimes he needs to ask a customer to pay him in cash. I don’t want to do that.

I’m convinced that my husband has been unfaithful. I have tremendous heartache surrounding this issue. In the past I asked him if it was possible that he had any kids I don’t know about. He said no.

I told him that I cannot trust a man who is dishonest about his taxes.

I am in serious trouble. I am injured in my body. I’m struggling to write between the physical pain and the heartache, I just feel broken.

Jon from Outlier Audio told me that the piano was really dirty and he wanted to know if I have a dog. WHY YES I DO and today is her birthday!!!! Happy Birthday Henrietta Cloud! I love you!

Still others were saying, “We have had to borrow money to pay the king’s tax on our fields and vineyards.   Nehemiah 5:4   

If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?  Matthew 5:46