On Saturday February 24, 2018 I finished completely printing my entire blog.  I have been walking around pregnant with this testimony for so long.  It has been long over due in coming and I felt tremendous relief to see the pages stacked up on my desk. I have talked about my blog and even published 45 posts,  but most of my work has been going on behind the scenes.

I have 610 rough drafts to sort through, edit and condense.  After all of this work and intense labor I am witnessing a miracle of God unfolding.  I was so relieved and excited, I threw it all in a basket and showed it to my husband.  I was given the shrug off, which he later apologized for.  He expressed that I must feel proud and that he was sorry for not giving it attention when I had first brought it to him.   Honestly, pride is not what I feel.  I feel an overwhelming sense of humility.

When God called me to be a voice, I had so much to say rumbling around inside of me.  I just didn’t know how to get what was inside of me to come to fruition.  I had been silenced by fear, silenced by my longing for approval and silenced by the lies of the enemy who used every possible opportunity to cast doubt that my voice mattered or could be used by God.

I had to face rejection.  I was told by one woman that she couldn’t look at my story because it was too upsetting.  It confronted her with issues that she felt were to painful and so she turned a blind eye.  Others were too busy, some lacked interest and there are even some who don’t want me to speak because of what the story would say about them.

When my pastor looked me straight in the eye and said, “I’m not going to read your blog!”  I finally came to the conclusion that I would obey God even if God was the only one who ever listened to what I had to say.  God told me to speak whether people listen or not.

“Go now to your people in exile and speak to them. Say to them, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says,’ whether they listen or fail to listen.”” 

This testimony has been a warfare for me and it has come at a huge cost.  I have had to lay down relationships.  People I love who don’t talk to me anymore and some who I tried my best to love but I had to step away from because quite frankly, they stabbed me in the back and betrayed me and these are people who aren’t safe.

I had a finger that I wanted to point at so many people.  After all, I had been through so much trauma and witnessed injustice first hand.   God had to realign my attitude.  Instead of the pointing finger God told me to stand up and confess my own sins.  Then He proceeded to express His love for all of the obstinate people who had so wounded me.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” 

We all fall short of the cross. “All have turned away, all have become corrupt; there is no one who does good, not even one.”  “As it is written: “There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.””  But here’s the thing, Jesus loves sinners! I’m living proof.

“For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.”” 

Yes! God wants people to turn from sin.  Yes! God is grieved when we continue walking in darkness day after day.  He wants us to repent.  That means we have to change our mind and live differently.

“Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,” 

Please hear and know, Jesus did not come to condemn the world but to save it.  God is rich in mercy and grace!  When even one sinner turns and repents all of heaven rejoices!

“In the same way, I tell you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents [that is, changes his inner self–his old way of thinking, regrets past sins, lives his life in a way that proves repentance; and seeks God’s purpose for his life].””
‭‭LUKE‬ ‭15:10‬ ‭AMP‬‬

INSERT CHOIR OF ANGELS SINGING

When I gave birth to my oldest daughter, I looked her over from head to toe and exclaimed, “Look! Look at my baby! She is a miracle!”  I counted her ten fingers and then her ten toes, I looked over every inch of her beautiful and wonderfully made body and called every person I knew to proclaim the good news! I stopped every nurse that came into my hospital room to declare “Look, look! Isn’t she beautiful? She is a miracle!”  I’m telling you that I even called the janitor over to my bedside. He had come in to change the garbage and I insisted that he come see my miracle.

I knew that I had been stretched  through pregnancy and gone through labor and delivery.  I had most certainly sacrificed for this child to come into the world.  But I knew the moment I saw her that she was a gift from God.  I felt totally ill-equipped to be her mother and exhilarated that the God of the universe would entrust this child to me.

God asked me to speak and the fact that I am speaking today is truly a miracle.  When Jesus says to pick up your mat and walk you don’t want to linger in the lame.  When the healer comes and heals, blind people can see, deaf people can hear, the lame can walk, and this girl has a voice, she can talk!

When my kids were babies I never once looked at them and wondered why they weren’t contributing to our household financially or pulling their weight around the house.  They were totally dependent on me for everything.  Nursing around the clock, changing diapers and overcoming all of the obstacles of motherhood has been no easy undertaking.  Motherhood has taught me to look to God for wisdom, discernment, provision & hope. I still rely on God every single day to help me in my mommy hood. I’ve made far too many mistakes and still God is there to pick me up and give me mercy.

God teaches me and helps me with everything in life!  I am confident that He will help me with this too.  My heart is overflowing.  This is the sound of my voice! This is the sound of survival! I’m still here.  She who has been set free is free indeed!

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” 

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. Strangers will shepherd your flocks; foreigners will work your fields and vineyards. And you will be called priests of the Lord, you will be named ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast. Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours. “For I, the Lord, love justice; I hate robbery and wrongdoing. In my faithfulness I will reward my people and make an everlasting covenant with them. Their descendants will be known among the nations and their offspring among the peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the Lord has blessed.” I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭61:1-11‬ ‭NIV‬‬