Don’t you realize that you have to be born again? You have to have a birthday! I know that some of you don’t want your dirty laundry aired for the whole world to see.  But consider this, we all will have to give an account for what we did on this earth while we are in these temporary bodies.  Jesus is coming back and some of you aren’t ready.

Wash your clothes in the blood of the Lamb.  Though your sins are like scarlet He will wash you white as snow.  The Bible is clear, not everyone gets into heaven.  The way is narrow and few get in.  Read the book of Revelation.  the Bible warns us that there are some that even though they are warned, still they refuse to repent.  They refuse to give up their wicked ways.

Recently we went to celebrate a friend’s birthday. For the sake of this story we’ll call him Mason (not his real name).

Mason is a grandfather now.  He’s been friends with my husband since they were little boys.  They’ve done life together…all the highs and all the lows.  While we were there I had an interesting discussion with his mom Jessica.  (Also, not her real name.)

Jessica was bitter over things that had happened when my husband and Mason were little boys.  She discovered my husband’s secret stash of playboy magazines. Those were the days before porn was so readily available on a device.

Jessica ranted on and on about how upset she was upon her discovery and told us how she had marched those dirty magazines over to my husband.  Remember, he was young back then.  When she found him he was sitting in a chair playing video games and she dropped the whole stack in his lap while giving him a verbal lashing.

Jessica is a great grandmother and after all these years she seemed to remember every detail of his sin.  She looked at my husband  and wanted to know if he remembered how much trouble he had gotten into with her son Mason.  I’ll never forget my husband telling her that he did remember and how traumatic it was for him.

I believe him! Pornography causes harm! I imagined him there as a little boy and my heart was moved with compassion for my husband and for his friend Mason.   Jessica was so focused on what they had done over 40 years ago, she just never got over it. She was bitter.

Then Jessica turned to me and told me how my friend (who used to be married to Mason) didn’t let the granddaughter go over to her house to learn about her Jewish religion.  She said it in a tone of voice that seemed like she was condemning me by association.  My eyes got really big, my forehead started to crinkle, I couldn’t believe my ears.

I can’t speak for my friend, but concerning myself I told her that religion never saved me when my life was falling apart.

I went to church, I listened to the sermons, I sang the songs, but I didn’t know Jesus.  I didn’t know that I wasn’t saved.  I was religious.

Now that I know Jesus I love spending time with Him.  I can tell Him all my problems and He helps me.  God’s word is a light for my path. He uses it to teach me, to convict me and to comfort me. I love reading my Bible.

But back when I surrendered my life to Christ I didn’t even know where my Bible was.  It was packed away in a box somewhere.  My Dad had desperately tried to get me to read it but it sounded foolish to me.  The gospel is foolishness to those who are perishing.  But isn’t it good news to hear that you don’t have to do anything to get saved? It’s by grace we are saved, not of works so that no man can boast.

Those were days when I was living in survival mode.  My ex-husband was stalking me and telling me he wanted to murder me and take the kids.  I was working as a stripper in a desperate attempt to save my home.  Not that I didn’t ask my family for help, I did! My uncles told me to sell my house and go on welfare.

Religion is all about what you do or don’t do.  But for me the breakthrough came when I admitted that my life was a mess and I couldn’t fix it.

This past January while I was running the Big Beach marathon in Alabama I met a woman named Faith.  At one point the marathon path split and Faith went the wrong way.  After awhile she started to see signs that made her realized she was going the wrong way.  So she had to turn around and go the other way to get back in the race.

Faith blessed me that day.  She gave me a beautiful explanation of what repentance looks like.  If you realize you are going the wrong way then turn around.

When the Lord saved me I had been on a really bad path for a long time. He helped me to see it wasn’t going anywhere good.  By his grace I turned around. He gave me courage to stop working at the strip club even though I didn’t know where to get money.  He led me back to church. Even though I had heard the gospel so many times before, this time was different. I heard that Jesus came for the lost and I believed it. The gospel fell on the fertile soil of my heart, it took root and I gave my life to Christ.

Then in May of the year 2000 my life was utterly devastated.  My second husband  straight up lied to me about who he was. He pretended to be a safe person but he wasn’t safe at all.  One night he was in church with his arm around me and the next day he was driving to California instead of work.  I had no clue that he had already packed his car and made getaway plans.  I didn’t know how to discern who to trust back then and I foolishly gave him access to every area of my life and heart.  To this day I am still learning how to trust.

The Holy Spirit had opened my eyes to the gospel.  I had truly repented and my heart was changed, while he was standing in church pretending.  There is a word there for someone.

In December of that same year, on an Amtrak train from Chicago to Carbondale I hit an all time low.  In my desperation I cried out to God.  I was angry and I let Him know.  I didn’t understand how I had given my life to Christ, I had turned around but my life was getting worse.  I had a long list of accusations that I threw at God.

• You let my Mom die!
• I grew up in a children’s home!
• I was abused by men who were shackled by lust!
• The people at church sifted me and my kids!
• I lost my house!
• Why is this happening?
• What do you want from me? I asked in exasperation.

I went on and on with my questions and charges against God. I don’t need to list everything, you get the point.  It was messy and I was in dire straights.

I had been intending to move in with the man who is now my husband. My landlord had told me only a few days prior that she was willing to let me out of my lease.  But when the Holy Spirit convicted me not to move in with a man that wasn’t my husband I ended up calling my landlord back to tell her I wasn’t going to be moving after all.

That’s when the last bit of ground washed away right under my feet.  She told me that she had rented my house while I was gone over the weekend and that I needed to be out in two weeks.  I had just lost my house earlier that year.  It was a miracle that I was able to get into graduate school and rent a house.  As I absorbed the fact that the landlord said we needed to be out I knew I was in big trouble.

I did get approved to live in a WINGS safe house which is a place of refuge for women in domestic violence situations. But I didn’t want to go.  Yet, I couldn’t see any other options.  I had no money, no job, I was way over my head in debt.  I had bad credit and everyone had pretty much washed their hands of me.  They were sick of the drama.  I had called in all my favors and every door was closed.  It was utterly hopeless!

That’s where I met Jesus.  While I was busy cussing out God and shaking my fist at Heaven, the Lord had help already on the way!  Within moments of me saying that I couldn’t fix my life and I needed God to fix it, a man asked me to have dinner with him in the dining car.  I can’t put it all in this blog post but God provided for me! He sheltered me and my kids. He lavished us and met all of our needs! Those who turn away from sin and turn to the Lord receive mercy!

I want to loop back up to two things. I want to loop back up to the issue of trust but first let’s go back to  the story of Jessica and Mason.

Mason was a really wild man when I met him.  He was wounded from growing up in a toxic family. He was an addict and quite frankly his toxicity overflowed into his marriage.  I used to tell his wife how much God loved Mason and we would pray for Mason.  But years went by and Mason did not change.  They ended up getting divorced. On the day the divorce was finalized Mason ended up on my doorstep in a puddle of tears.  The wild hellion that I had known had been reduced down to a devastated man who sobbed and exclaimed that he had ruined his life.  Among other things he believed his addiction to video games had ruined his marriage.

At one point in Mason’s life he really struggled with alcohol.  He found AA and sobered up, but according to him, he was what is called a dry drunk.  Sure he had stopped drinking but he was still an addict.  He had just switched from alcohol to video games.  While Mason’s mom admitted that he got into a lot of trouble, she also desperately tries to hold her son under the light of not guilty.  She can talk your ear off and I noticed that she vacillated back and forth between blame shifting and concealing.  If she heard a story about Mason doing anything even close to wrong she would spotlight and place the blame on whoever was with her son.

I hope that my own children don’t ever get the vibe from me that they have to pretend or cover up their struggles.  Part of the reason that I have allowed myself to be so vulnerable and candid about my own sin is so that my own family can learn that all of heaven rejoices when even one sinner repents.  Whoever conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever turns away from sin and to the Lord finds, favor, honor and blessing. You must be born again.  You’ve got to have a birthday.

My husband and I led Mason to Christ the day he ended up on our doorstep.  Today he is re-married and walking with the Lord.

For his birthday I gave him a box of felted hearts.  I told him that I knew it may seem girly but nonetheless I wanted to share something tangible to express that God promises to bind up the broken-hearted and save those who are crushed in spirit.  Don’t worry my husband gave him steaks.

Believe it or not, despite how things started out, his mother Jessica and I ended up having what seemed to be a good conversation that day.  She had brought up the fact that Jesus was a Jew and it opened the door to me telling her my testimony of how I met Jesus and how He’s changed me.

Jessica softened after that and opened up about her own childhood and the difficulties she had.  She talked about her father and how his lifestyle affected her as a little girl.  We all get wounds on this life journey.

There are some Masons and Jessicas out there who need to understand that God sent Jesus as an atoning sacrifice so we could receive forgiveness for our sins and He heals broken-hearts.  Healing is part of the atonement of Jesus Christ.

When I was getting ready to leave the party I mentioned to Mason that his mom might like to have one of the felted hearts.  I suggested that he could share with her that God heals broken-hearts.  I will be the first to admit it was the wrong thing to say.

Mason attacked me for talking to his mom about Jesus.  He wanted to know why I always have to go there.  He wanted to know why I can never seem to talk about anything else.  At the time all I could say was, “Don’t you want your Mom to have a birthday? Jesus is the only way to heaven, she needs to have a birthday!”

We kind of went back and forth because I tend to do that when I believe I’m right.  But since that day I have thought about how awful it must have been to grow up with such a bitter mom.  She really hurt her son and she can’t even see it.  When she talked about him being a Christian it was as if she had somehow been personally betrayed.

Oh how I pray Jessica will have compassion on her son.  Mason is like a bull, he’s tough and he knows how to plow through tuff stuff.  He’s the guy that you’d call to go on the hardest missions because he’ll go where other people won’t.  Mason is tenacious and isn’t really one to give up. I’m certain it has crushed him to know that is Mom is headed south and she has down right refused to turn around.

If you are the praying type please pray that Jessica’s eyes will be opened to her own need of a savior.  According to her measure she’s pretty darn good.  From what she shared with me I’d say she is a survivor and I relate to that. It’s tough to get saved when you feel like you’ve done pretty well in this life.  But no one measures up to God’s Holy Standard. Only Jesus is Holy enough to be without sin.  If you don’t think you’ve sinned consider this, pride is a sin. It will trip you up every  time.  Be careful how you stand lest you fall.  I should know, I went down hard, fast and oh so painfully low.

I’m trying to keep this short but there is still more I must share.  If you have received Jesus as savior and Lord it’s important to understand there is now therefor NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus.  I say this because Jessica was really digging in about sin that was forgiven a long long time ago.

Sometimes an issue can keep rising up to the surface because something hasn’t been reconciled.  We are designed to finish things.  God sent Jesus to die for us so that we could be reconciled to Him.  But then after that we were made to go and reconcile with those we have hurt.  This isn’t always possible.  Sometimes a person is no longer in your life but other times the person just won’t reconcile. I’m thankful that the Bible says, as far as it depends on you to be at peace with other people.

How you see things affects everything you do!

I said I was gonna loop back around to the issue of trust? There is so much to unpack in that one little word. I’m going to stick to my own testimony. Also, I suspect some of you may find the book “Trust: Knowing When to Give It, When to Withhold It, How to Earn It, and How to Fix It When It Gets Broken” by Dr Henry Cloud, very helpful. It came out this year on my 50th birthday! I know it wasn’t written for me explicitly,  but it kind of felt like the book was written just for me. Does that make sense?

Regarding trust I will say I have found it to be very difficult for me, specifically because I have been betrayed. Unfortunately, I have also been the betrayer.

When I got out of the children’s home I wanted a family. To shoot straight to the point,  I lied and stole to get what i wanted.  I said I was on birth control pills and I wasn’t. There really is no pretty way to say that. It’s an awful truth.

During the pandemic I bought some ducklings. We aren’t allowed to have ducks where we live but I did it anyway. My husband asked me what they were going to look like when they got bigger. It was at the point where I was telling him that they were going to be big white Pekin ducks that I felt the conviction.

Suddenly, I was 17 years old all over again I was pregnant and realizing that it wasn’t going to be something I could keep a secret for very long. I have previously confessed in the past that I got pregnant two times and had two abortions when I was a teenager. The third time I got pregnant I was convicted not to get an abortion.

I understood that my sinful life had gotten me to the place where I was and I understood that committing the sin of abortion was not going to help. Children are a gift from God! The Lord showed me amazing grace by still letting me be a mother.

Over time I got a front row seat to the consequences of my behavior. My daughter is a precious miracle, as all people are. Having her was like being washed in some sort of a love potion. Think of the Disney movie Cinderella. I was in love  just like the part of the movie where cinderella is dancing around and singing the song “So This Is Love.” My dreams were coming true!

I was so enamored with my baby that for quite some time, even years, I didn’t see the negative ramifications to what I had done. My actions caused a young man to be propelled in the fatherhood before he was ready. Although he loved our daughter very much,  he wasn’t ready to be a father, he wasn’t mature. Neither of us were ready.

When my youngest son was one year old I wanted to have more kids. My husband did not. I took this issue to the Lord in prayer and I asked God to either help my husband to want more children, or to make me satisfied with the amount of children I had.

The Lord answered that prayer by showing me that I was most certainly done having children and he told me that I was going to grieve the children I had aborted.  If you’re still reading I wrote a post that could help explain some background called Do Not Abort Your Mission.

God walked me through a Bible study called “Forgiven and Set Free.” I highly recommend it.

When I wrote the blog post, Do You Have a Secret? I promised a duck story regarding some unconfessed sin. In reality it wasn’t unconfessed. A more appropriate word would be unreconciled.  We are designed to finish things.

One thing I did not want to do in this marriage was to betray my husband’s trust. Knowing that my husband didn’t want to have more kids made me especially sensitive to the task of making sure that I did NOT get pregnant.

God showed me the damage done to my husband by someone else who had betrayed him.  I knew how I also had betrayed someone’s trust. To God be the glory we are still married. Truly, we are two broken people trying our best to live and love.

God honored my prayer by closing my womb. It’s been a painful,  long and humbling road. I suspect it’s a road less traveled and I’m glad God took me down it, even though it’s been excruciatingly painful.

I was at the beach working on my book and the lifeguard chair behind me said #FathersRights. It seems there’s a lot that needs to be said about that. I for one am very heartbroken over all of the harm I’ve caused.

I’ve seen what happens to a man who is trying to make it financially in the world before he’s fully ready. There is true stress living life paycheck to paycheck. I know a man who is overwhelmed by the family he loves. Here are some things I noticed.

• He takes medication for anxiety
• He works 9am-6pm
• After work it’s Dinner/play with kids/bath-time/put kids to bed
• He doesn’t sleep well (4-7 hrs/night)
• He doesn’t  have any desire or urge to work out
• He’s addicted to video games, food & alcohol

It’s not a pretty picture. He’s overwhelmed. He needs help! He needs a rescue! He needs Jesus!

I can’t change the past, but I hope that my transparency and my willingness to be vulnerable about my sin and the devastating consequences will help at least one other person.

Everyone is bad in someone’s story and if I’m the one who hurt you, I’m so very sorry and I hope you can forgive me.

Despite my efforts to be safe and trustworthy with my husband right now, I’m sad to say it hasn’t appeared to make an impact. While this is very disappointing, I don’t hold this against him.  I do hope and pray that he will allow the Lord to do a work in him to heal that part of his heart.

I personally struggle to trust. It’s the worst feeling in the world to wish I had a soft place to fall yet…I don’t.  To my husband’s tremendous credit I will say that throughout  this hellacious  storm he has stayed. Both of us have stayed.

I haven’t yet experienced a man come forward and be real about his sin and the devastating consequences. That’s not in my control. For what it’s worth, I can be real with my own story and I hope God will use it to validate and heal some of the wounded warriors out there. Both the men and the women.

I trust God!  The LORD told me that he binds up the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit and I believe him.

In Jesus’ name I CUT BITTERNESS OFF AT THE ROOT!  Repent and believe the Good News!  Whoever turns from their sins and turns to the LORD receives mercy! Jesus came for the lost, the sick and the broken!  TURN AROUND!  ALL WHO CALL ON THE NAME OF THE LORD WILL BE SAVED!